Three dates. Good morning texts every day. Plans for the weekend. Then: nothing. No reply. No explanation. Just silence.
If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. According to research published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, approximately 25% of adults have experienced ghosting in romantic contexts, with rates as high as 65% among younger demographics. This phenomenon has become as much a part of modern dating as swipe fatigue and undefined situationships.
But what exactly counts as ghosting? Why do people do it? And most importantly: How do you deal with it without driving yourself crazy?
What Is Ghosting, Exactly? (Meaning Explained)
Ghosting is when someone suddenly cuts off all communication without explanation. No more messages, no response to your texts, no hint of what happened. The person just disappears like a ghost.
The term emerged around 2014 and quickly became standard dating vocabulary. Research from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships shows that ghosting has become a widespread phenomenon, particularly on dating apps where the abundance of options can make people feel more disposable.
Soft Ghosting vs. Hard Ghosting
Not all disappearing acts are the same. There's a spectrum:
Hard ghosting is the complete vanishing act. One day to the next: zero contact, no response, no explanation. As if you never existed.
Soft ghosting is more subtle. The person still responds, but with minimal effort. A "haha" here, an emoji there. Messages get shorter, response times longer. It's not a sudden cutoff, but a slow evaporation.
Both lead to the same result: You're left wondering what happened.
When Does It Count as Ghosting?
One of the most common questions: How long does someone have to not respond before it's considered ghosting?
The honest answer: It depends.
| Situation | When it's ghosting |
|---|---|
| You matched but never met | 5-7 days without response |
| After 1-2 dates | 48-72 hours |
| After being intimate | 24-48 hours |
| In an established connection | 24 hours |
Context matters. If you were texting daily and suddenly get three days of silence, that's suspicious. If communication was always sporadic, three days might be normal.
Important: A slow reply isn't ghosting. People have jobs, friends, sometimes bad days. Only when the pattern becomes clear that nothing's coming back can you call it ghosting.
Why Do People Ghost?
The question everyone who's been ghosted asks: Why?
The answer is rarely as simple as "they're a jerk." The psychology behind ghosting is more complex.
The Psychology of Ghosting
Conflict Avoidance
The most common reason. According to dating research, many people ghost because they want to avoid confrontation. An honest "Hey, I'm not feeling a connection" feels uncomfortable. Ghosting seems like the easier path.
The problem: It's only easier for the ghoster. For the other person, the uncertainty is often worse than a clear rejection. Those who struggle with honest communication can find practical approaches for direct conversations there.
Cognitive Overload on Dating Apps
Imagine this: You have 80 matches in one week. You start conversations with 20 of them. By day three, you're exhausted from constant texting, the same getting-to-know-you questions over and over. You stop responding, not from disinterest, but from pure overwhelm.
That's not an excuse, but it's an explanation. Dating apps are designed to promote quantity over quality. The result: People become options instead of real connections.
Attachment Avoidance
Some people have difficulty with emotional closeness in general. As a connection deepens, it triggers discomfort. Ghosting becomes an unconscious escape from intimacy.
According to research on attachment styles, the avoidant attachment style is most likely associated with ghosting. People with avoidant attachment "often strive to maintain autonomy, independence, and control" and withdraw from intimacy to avoid being hurt – often unconsciously.
Research from Psychology Today also shows connections to narcissistic personality traits. People with pronounced Dark Triad characteristics (narcissism, Machiavellianism, psychopathy) are more likely to ghost, as they struggle to consider the feelings of others.
Sometimes It's Not About You
Patrice N. Douglas, a licensed therapist, puts it well:
"Sometimes when people ghost us, it's because they are focused on other things or may be isolating themselves because they are feeling depressed. Everything isn't always about us, so we can't panic right away."
People sometimes disappear because their own lives are chaotic. That doesn't make ghosting okay, but it takes some of the personal sting away.
The Gender Gap in Ghosting
Research shows interesting gender patterns in ghosting behavior. Studies indicate that women may be more likely to ghost in certain contexts, particularly when safety concerns are involved.
Why?
Safety Plays a Role
Many women report ghosting because they fear aggressive reactions. After polite rejections came verbal attacks, insults, or even threats. Better to ignore someone than face verbal abuse. Eventually you learn: No response is safer than an honest rejection.
Psychological research confirms that safety concerns are an important predictor of ghosting. People are more likely to ghost when they're concerned about their safety, regardless of the target's gender.
It's sad but understandable. If you've experienced multiple times that a simple "I'm not feeling a connection" gets met with anger and verbal abuse, you become cautious.
The Relief Effect
Studies suggest that many people feel relief after ghosting rather than having a difficult conversation. That shows how much stress can be associated with direct communication. Ghosting feels like the stress-free way out in the short term.
The flip side: Research published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships indicates that many ghosters later regret their decision. The short-term relief often gives way to long-term discomfort.
Ghosting in Situationships and Casual Dating
Here's where it gets complicated. According to relationship research, many young adults have been in a situationship, that gray zone between "we're dating" and "we're together."
In situationships and casual dating, there's often an implicit permission to ghost. The logic: If we were never officially together, I don't owe you an explanation.
When Do You Owe an Explanation?
There are no hard rules, but here are some guidelines:
A brief message is appropriate when:
- You've met multiple times
- You've been intimate
- You've been communicating daily
- The other person has shown clear feelings
Ghosting is more understandable (though still not ideal) when:
- You only matched but never met
- There were one or two surface-level meetings
- Communication was purely logistical ("Your place tonight?")
- Both sides were obviously only interested in sex
The goal isn't to set rules, but to encourage empathy. Ask yourself: How would you feel if the roles were reversed?
When Is Ghosting Actually Okay?
Most articles treat ghosting as universally wrong. But there are situations where ghosting is the right call:
Safety Concerns
If someone doesn't respect your boundaries, becomes possessive, or makes you feel uncomfortable, you don't owe anyone an explanation. Your safety comes first. Blocking and moving on isn't rude in these cases, it's self-protection. Learn more about safe dating practices in our safety guidelines.
When "No" Isn't Accepted
You've said you're not interested, but the person keeps texting? You don't owe further explanations. One polite rejection is enough. If that gets ignored, ghosting is legitimate.
Clearly Inappropriate Behavior
Disrespectful messages, unsolicited explicit pictures, manipulative behavior: When clear boundaries are violated, no polite conversation is necessary.
Psychologist John Forbes sums it up: Ghosting is ethically defensible when communication has become ineffective or when your safety is at stake.
How to Overcome and Handle Being Ghosted
You've been ghosted. Now what?
Take a Breath First
The temptation is to jump to conclusions immediately. Maybe it's not even ghosting. Maybe their phone broke, work is stressful, family needs attention. Give it a few days.
One Message Is Okay. One.
If you need clarity, send a simple message: "Hey, haven't heard from you in a while. Everything okay?"
No accusations, no drama. If nothing comes back, you have your answer.
No Response Is a Response
This is hard to accept, but important. If someone really wanted to connect, they would reach out. The absence of a reaction says more than a thousand words.
Resist the Urge to Overthink
Your brain will want to invent reasons. What did I do wrong? Was it something I said? Should I have shown more interest?
The truth: In most cases, it wasn't about you. Studies show that reasons for ghosting almost always lie with the ghoster, not the person being ghosted.
Understand the Biology
Social rejection activates the same brain regions as physical pain. Research from the National Academy of Sciences shows that when experiencing social rejection, the same neural regions become active as during physical pain – including the dorsal posterior insula and secondary somatosensory cortex. That's why ghosting hurts so much. You're not imagining it. The pain is real and physiologically measurable.
This knowledge might not help immediately, but it validates your feelings: It's normal that it hurts.
Ghosting can also impact your self-esteem. The lack of explanation makes you doubt yourself, but it was almost never about you.
When the Ghost Returns: Zombie-ing
Sometimes people disappear only to resurface weeks or months later, acting like nothing happened. That's called zombie-ing, a specific form of ghosting where the ghost returns after an extended period.
Why Do Ghosters Come Back?
Usually for one of these reasons:
- Boredom
- The other option didn't work out
- Need for validation
- Genuine regret (rarer, but possible)
Should You Respond After Being Ghosted?
That's entirely up to you. But consider:
Don't respond if:
- There's no apology or explanation
- The behavior is a pattern
- You've emotionally moved on and don't want to reopen that wound
Give a chance if:
- There's a genuine explanation (emergency, crisis, verifiable circumstances)
- The person takes responsibility
- You still have interest and are willing to cautiously start fresh
The Ghostee-to-Ghoster Pipeline
An uncomfortable truth: Research suggests that many people who've been ghosted have later ghosted someone else.
Why does this happen?
Being ghosted changes your dating behavior. You build up defense mechanisms. You invest less emotionally. And when a connection doesn't work out, ghosting suddenly becomes an option that was previously unthinkable.
How to Break the Cycle
Recognize the pattern. When you notice you want to ghost someone, ask yourself: Am I doing this because I was hurt? Am I passing on what was done to me?
A short, honest message is almost always possible. "Hey, I had fun, but I don't think we're a good match" takes 10 seconds to write and saves the other person days of uncertainty.
The Bottom Line
Ghosting is part of modern dating culture. It won't disappear as long as dating apps reward quantity over quality and honest communication feels uncomfortable.
What you can control: How you deal with it.
If you get ghosted: Don't take it personally. The reasons almost always lie with the other person. Give yourself time, allow yourself to feel the hurt, but don't overthink endlessly.
If you're tempted to ghost: Consider whether a simple message might be possible after all. You don't have to write novels. "I'm not feeling a connection, wish you all the best" is perfectly sufficient.
And if ghosting is necessary for safety reasons: Do it without guilt. Your safety takes priority over dating etiquette.
What you can control: who you surround yourself with. On SparkChambers, you'll find people who communicate openly about their expectations, whether casual dating, relationships, or new experiences.
Sources
- Journal of Social and Personal Relationships: Ghosting in Romantic Relationships - Scientific study on the prevalence and psychological effects of ghosting
- PNAS: Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain - Neuroscientific research showing that social rejection activates the same brain regions as physical pain
- Psychology Today: The Narcissism of Ghosting - Analysis of the connection between ghosting and narcissistic behavior
- PsyPost: Safety concerns are an important predictor of ghosting - Research on safety concerns as motivation for ghosting
- Mission Connection Healthcare: Avoidant Attachment and Ghosting - Explanation of the connection between attachment styles and ghosting behavior
