Affairs rarely start with a conscious decision. Most people stumble into them before they even understand what's happening. The phases of an affair usually follow a predictable pattern.
Whether you're in the middle of an affair, thinking about starting one, or just trying to understand how these dynamics work: you'll find answers here without anyone wagging a finger at you.
Why Affairs Happen in the First Place
Before we get to the phases, some context: affairs don't happen because people are fundamentally bad. They happen because relationships are complex and human needs are even more so.
Sometimes it's missing intimacy. Sometimes it's craving excitement. Sometimes it's simply the feeling of being seen as a person, not just a partner, parent, or roommate. According to research on love and infidelity, relationships that are not optimal and are characterized by low satisfaction, high conflict, and a lack of good communication play a significant role in the development of affairs.
And sometimes, honestly, it's just chemistry that strikes at the wrong time in the wrong place.
This isn't meant to justify or downplay anything. But to understand the phases of an affair, it helps to first understand how affairs develop and what drives them. That can mean the difference between stumbling into one and making conscious choices.
Phase 1: The Innocent Attraction
At the beginning of an affair, there's almost never a conscious thought about what's happening. It's a coworker whose conversations always run a little long - sometimes an undefined relationship status that gradually takes shape. An old acquaintance who suddenly reappears. Someone at the gym whose glances you feel every time.
During this first phase of the phases of an affair, you're still telling yourself everything is harmless. Maybe even that you're imagining things. The thoughts keep circling anyway.
What gives you away in this phase? You get unreasonably excited about seeing this person. You think about them more often than you'd admit. You suddenly care more about your appearance when you know you'll see them. And your partner doesn't know about these thoughts - which already feels like a small secret.
This phase can last weeks. Or months. Some people stay here permanently and never go further. They enjoy the flutter without acting on it.
Phase 2: The Emotional Crossover
This is where it gets interesting, and where most affair guides don't go deep enough. The emotional crossover is the moment when attraction becomes something deeper. This phase shows how emotional affair phases typically develop.
Suddenly you're sharing personal things. You're texting each other in the evenings. Maybe you're both complaining about your relationships. It feels like a close friendship, but with a tension you both notice.
Here's the tricky part: during this phase, you can still tell yourself you're not doing anything wrong. You haven't kissed. You're just friends.
But something happens here that many people underestimate: emotional intimacy is no less real than physical intimacy. When you feel closer to someone than to your partner, when you'd rather talk to this person than to the one at home, you're already deep into an emotional affair. The emotional affair phases are often more intense than purely physical ones.
How you recognize this phase: You tell this person things you don't tell your partner. You have inside jokes and shared secrets. You justify the frequency of your contact to yourself. When problems arise in your relationship, you think of the other person first.
Phase 3: The First Physical Contact
The transition from emotional to physical is often gradual. It starts with touches that last a bit too long. A kiss after an evening with too much wine. Or the moment when one of you says out loud what you've both been thinking.
This moment changes everything.
Before, you could still tell yourself you just had a close friendship. Now there's no going back to that comfortable illusion. The affair timeline typically accelerates dramatically from here.
Some people describe this transition as liberating. Finally, what both were waiting for happened. Others immediately feel guilt that they push aside in the euphoria of the moment.
What often happens in this phase: an intense back and forth. A rush of feelings, followed by doubts, followed by even more intense moments. The affair gains its own momentum.
Phase 4: The Double Life
When an affair continues beyond the first contact, what you might call a double life begins. This stage of the affair timeline is the most intense for many people, but also the most exhausting. You're living in two worlds simultaneously: your official relationship and the secret one.
You constantly have to watch what you say. You make up excuses for absences. You delete messages. Your phone becomes something you never let out of your sight.
At the same time, you might experience an aliveness that you'd been missing for a long time. The affair feels exciting precisely because it's forbidden. The contrast to your everyday life makes it even more intense.
The reality of the double life phase:
- Constant mental strain from secrecy
- Guilt that comes and goes in waves
- Growing attachment to the affair while emotionally neglecting the main relationship
- The stress shows physically: sleep problems, irritability, inner restlessness
Many affairs end during this phase because the pressure gets too much. Others continue for years.
Phase 5: The Emotional Deepening
When an affair lasts longer, emotional deepening almost inevitably happens. What started as an adventure develops real feelings. This phase of the emotional affair phases is particularly intense.
This is where it gets complicated. Because suddenly it's not just about excitement or validation anymore. It's about a person who has become important to you. Sometimes more important than the partner at home.
During this phase, the big questions arise: Is this just an affair, or is it more? Could you imagine a future with this person? What do you actually want?
Typical conflicts in Phase 5:
- Jealousy when the affair spends time with their official partner (a feeling that compersion frameworks address differently in open relationships)
- The feeling of being "only" the side relationship
- Growing pressure to make decisions
- Dreams of a life together that meet reality
This phase is the most emotionally intense. This is where the deepest connections form, but also the greatest pain.
Phase 6: The Turning Point
Every affair eventually reaches a turning point. This moment often marks the transition between the stages of an affair. Sometimes it comes from outside: your partner finds out. A mutual acquaintance sees you together. Or one of you can't handle the hiding game anymore.
Sometimes it comes from within: a limit is reached. The guilt becomes unbearable. Or the affair itself loses its appeal because it's no longer new and exciting.
The turning point forces decisions that were always postponed before.
Possible turning points:
- Discovery by your partner
- Ultimatum from the affair ("Make a decision already")
- Pregnancy or other life-changing events
- Your own realization that it can't go on like this
- The affair starts another relationship
At the turning point, it becomes clear what the affair really was: a phase, a symptom, or the beginning of something new.
Phase 7: The Resolution
The final phase of the 7 phases of an affair is the resolution. How it looks depends on what happened at the turning point.
The affair ends
The affair is ended, the original relationship continues. This happens more often than many think. But "just moving on" is more complicated than it sounds. The affair leaves traces, whether your partner knows about it or not.
Those who end an affair often struggle with:
- Grieving a relationship they can't openly mourn
- The knowledge of how intense feelings for someone else feel
- The question of whether the main relationship will ever be enough again
The main relationship ends
The affair leads to separation from your partner. Sometimes for the affair, sometimes independently of it. The realization that something fundamental is missing in the main relationship can no longer be suppressed.
The affair becomes the relationship
Both leave their partners and get together. Statistically, this is the rarest outcome. According to research on affairs becoming relationships, only 3-5% of affairs end in marriage, and most of these join the 75% of second marriages that fail. The foundation is betrayal, and both know the other is capable of having an affair.
Open relationship models as an alternative
Sometimes an affair leads to an honest reassessment of what you want from relationships. Some couples decide on open or polyamorous models. That's not for everyone, but for some it's a path that fits them better than serial monogamy with secret flings.
If this resonates, our guide on how to bring up an open relationship offers concrete scripts and strategies for this difficult conversation.
Emotional Affair vs. Physical Affair
An important aspect that's often overlooked: not every affair becomes physical. Emotional affairs go through the same phases, just without the physical contact. How do affairs develop without physical contact?
That doesn't make them less real. Research shows that many people find an emotional affair just as hurtful as a physical one because it's about deep feelings, not just sex. In fact, men report greater distress over sexual infidelity, while women show stronger reactions to emotional betrayal.
Characteristics of an emotional affair:
- Intense emotional connection to someone outside the relationship
- Hiding this connection from your partner
- Sharing intimate things that should be reserved for your partner
- Fantasies about a life with this person
The phases are the same. The only difference is that the physical line isn't crossed, which makes it easier for some to convince themselves they're not doing anything wrong.
How Long Do the Individual Phases Last?
There's no fixed affair timeline. Some affairs race through all phases in a few weeks. Others drag on for years.
Rough orientation for the stages of an affair:
- Phases 1 and 2: Weeks to months
- Phase 3: Often a single moment
- Phase 4: Can last years
- Phase 5: Develops over months
- Phases 6 and 7: Often sudden, sometimes prolonged
What influences the duration: the opportunities to meet, how willing both people are to take risks, the stability of the main relationships, and not least, how strong the feelings are.
Red Flags: Warning Signs an Affair is Starting
Sometimes you only recognize the phases of an affair in hindsight. But there are warning signs that indicate you or your partner is drifting toward an affair.
Behavioral changes in your partner:
- Suddenly more attention to appearance and clothing
- Phone becomes a constant companion, often screen down
- New passwords or sudden secrecy about communication
- Less interest in intimacy or conversations at home
- Unexplained absences or vague excuses
- Emotional distance that can't be explained
- New interests or inside jokes you don't understand
If you're drifting into an affair yourself:
- You find yourself rationalizing touches or glances
- Your thoughts constantly circle around one specific person
- You make comparisons between this person and your partner
- You increasingly justify to yourself why the contact is "harmless"
- You avoid conversations about this person with your partner
- You look for opportunities to "accidentally" meet this person
These warning signs often show you're already in Phase 1 or 2, even if you won't admit it to yourself yet.
What Happens After an Affair: The Recovery Process
Phase 7 isn't the end of the story. No matter how the affair ends - what comes after is often just as complex as the affair itself.
When the main relationship continues:
The first 3-6 months are the hardest. Trust is broken, and rebuilding it takes time. According to research on affair recovery, complete healing typically requires 18-24 months of focused work, though many couples experience significant improvement much earlier.
The Gottman Institute describes three phases of healing that the betrayed partner goes through: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance - a process similar to grief.
What helps:
- Absolute honesty about feelings and difficulties
- Couples therapy with an experienced therapist
- Clear boundaries and transparency (open access to phone, accounts)
- Patience with the process - healing takes time
- Willingness to address the reasons for the affair (not just symptoms)
What doesn't help:
- "Just moving on" without working through the affair
- Constant probing without perspective on forgiveness
- Using the affair as leverage in conflicts
- Expecting everything to be "like before"
When the affair becomes the relationship:
These new relationships carry a special burden. The foundation is betrayal, even if you both believe you've found your "true love."
Statistics: About 75% of relationships that emerge from affairs end within the first 3 years. Why? The adrenaline of the forbidden falls away. Everyday reality sets in. And the knowledge that both are capable of cheating creates an underlying insecurity.
If you want to make this relationship work:
- Address the mistrust openly
- Actively build a new trust foundation (don't transfer the old one)
- Acknowledge how the relationship began without dwelling on it
- Create your own rituals and traditions (don't copy those from old relationships)
When you end the affair:
This is also a loss, even if you can't tell anyone about it. Going through the phases of an affair and then letting go means processing grief.
Give yourself time. You're not just losing a person, but also a version of yourself - the person you were in this affair. This is more complicated than a normal breakup because you don't have anyone you can talk to openly about it.
Consider individual therapy. A good therapist will help you process the experience without judging you.
What These Phases Mean for You
If you're going through the phases of an affair and recognize yourself in one of these phases, you're not crazy. You're not a bad person because you feel things that don't fit your self-image. And you're not alone with the chaos in your head.
What you do with this knowledge is your decision. Some use it as a reason to have honest conversations, whether in the affair or in the main relationship. Others realize they've known what they want for a while, but haven't yet found the courage to act on it.
There's no right or wrong we could prescribe for you here. There's only your life and the question of how you want to live it.
Instead of falling into an affair, couples can also discuss open relationships honestly or talk about unconventional fantasies together. These honest alternatives can prevent the affair timeline from starting in the first place.
If you recognize yourself in one of these phases, know that you're not alone. There are communities where people discuss these realities more openly, without judgment. You can discover like-minded partners on SparkChambers - people who understand and don't judge the complexity of human relationships.
