97% of adults have sexual fantasies. Most never talk about them.
A study by The Kinsey Institute surveying over 4,000 participants found that nearly everyone fantasizes. Your colleague at work. Your best friend. The person at the coffee shop. And yet, fewer than 20% discuss their fantasies with their partner.
Why? Because many people think their secret fantasies are weird. Or wrong. Or a sign that something's off in their relationship.
This article is here to change that.
What Are Sexual Fantasies, Really?
Sexual fantasies are thoughts, images, or scenarios that trigger sexual arousal. Some pop up spontaneously, others are deliberately conjured. They can be realistic or completely out there.
As certified sex therapist Gigi Engle puts it: "No matter what the fantasy is, it's completely normal!"
That sounds reassuring, but what exactly do researchers mean by "normal"?
Researchers at the Université de Montreal tried to find out. They examined the fantasies of over 1,500 people and categorized them. The result: only two types of fantasies were classified as statistically rare. Everything else, the vast majority, falls within the normal range.
Why Do We Fantasize?
Research identifies eight reasons why people have sexual fantasies. Some of them are surprising:
Arousal is the most obvious reason (79.5%). But things get more interesting with the others: 69.8% use fantasies to explore things they'll never experience in real life. Or don't want to.
Unmet sexual desires drive 59.7%. What you miss during the day, you reclaim in your mind at night.
Escape from reality motivates 59.4%. After eight hours at the office, a fantasy can work like a mental vacation.
Exploring taboos accounts for 58.4%. In our minds, we can cross boundaries we wouldn't cross in reality. And that's fine.
Add to that mental rehearsal (55.7%), stress relief (43.6%), and boredom relief (40.0%).
Dr. Justin Lehmiller discovered something fascinating: "My research suggests that the more political and moral restrictions we have placed on our sexuality, the more intensely we fantasize about breaking free of them."
The Most Common Sexual Fantasies
The question is: what do most people actually fantasize about? Lehmiller's study identified seven main categories:
The Top 3
Multi-partner sex ranks number one. Threesomes, group sex, swinger experiences. This is the most common fantasy overall, regardless of gender.
BDSM and power dynamics come in second. Dominance, submission, bondage. Research shows that 40-70% of adults have BDSM-related fantasies. This doesn't necessarily mean leather outfits and dungeons. For most people, it means: holding wrists, light spanking, dirty talk with power dynamics.
Novelty and adventure take third place. Sex in unusual locations, with new partners, in new configurations.
Other Common Fantasies
Open relationships and non-monogamy are also widespread. Exploring relationship models beyond the traditional couple fascinates many.
Taboo subjects attract many. These can be things society doesn't discuss publicly, or scenarios considered edgy.
Romance and passion shouldn't be underestimated. Deep emotional connection paired with physical intensity.
Erotic flexibility describes fantasies that play with gender roles or sexual orientation.
Gender Differences: Smaller Than You Think
Men and women are more similar than stereotypes suggest. Yes, men fantasize more frequently. And group sex fantasies are somewhat more common among men. But the fantasy worlds of both genders overlap significantly. The difference lies more in frequency than content.
Fantasy Is Not the Same as Desire
This is perhaps the most important point in this article.
Research shows: 79% of people would like to act out their favorite fantasy. But only 23.4% have actually done so.
The vast majority keep their secret fantasies private, and that's completely okay.
Take Oliver, 56, from the study. He has a cuckold fantasy: watching his partner with another man. This arouses him, in his mind. But in reality? Zero interest.
Why? Because the fantasy gives him total control. Every detail follows his script. In reality, he'd have no control. His mental movie would burst like a soap bubble.
Oliver isn't alone. Many fantasies work exactly like this: they're mentally arousing, but wouldn't work in reality. Or we simply don't want to act on them.
Understanding this takes a lot of pressure off. You don't have to act out your fantasies. You don't even have to want to.
Fantasizing About Others While in a Relationship
Okay, let's be honest.
Research data shows: 80% of women and 98% of men in committed relationships fantasize about other people.
Yes, almost everyone.
Dr. Tarra Bates-Duford, a marriage and family therapist, confirms: "Having sexual fantasies of someone other than your long-term partner is completely natural."
But here's what surprised me about the studies: these fantasies have no negative impact on the relationship. They're neutral. They don't help the relationship, but they don't harm it either.
What does help relationships are fantasies about your own partner. Dr. Gurit Birnbaum conducted four studies and found: when people fantasize about their partner, they behave more affectionately the next day. More compliments, less criticism, more physical warmth.
So: fantasizing about others is normal and okay. But fantasizing about your partner can actively improve your relationship.
How to Talk About Sexual Fantasies
You have a fantasy. You've been wondering for weeks whether to tell your partner. How do you do it without things getting awkward?
Not Every Fantasy Needs to Be Shared
Keep secret fantasies to yourself if:
- They involve your colleague, their best friend, or someone you both know
- Your partner would have to completely change who they are (dominant type fantasizes that shy partner suddenly becomes a dominatrix)
- You use them for mental stress relief but have no interest in acting on them
Share fantasies if:
- You genuinely want to explore them together (not just talk about them)
- The silence feels like a wall between you
- You're both curious about new experiences
Timing Matters
Sex therapists recommend: talk about bedroom fantasies outside the bedroom. In a neutral, relaxed environment. When you're both sober and rested. A romantic dinner works well. The middle of sex, not so much.
The Gradual Approach
Example: Laura and Tom wanted to try BDSM. But neither knew how to start the conversation. So they went step by step:
Step 1: Laura casually mentioned a scene from a movie. Not: "I want that too." But: "Interesting, right?" The topic was on the table without her having to expose herself.
Step 2: During their next intimate time, Tom carefully tried some dirty talk: "What if I held your hands down?" A test balloon. Her reaction showed him whether he could continue.
Step 3: After a few weeks, they talked specifically about boundaries and safe words. No more uncertainty. The process had given them time.
The process took about three months. But it was successful, without pressure or discomfort.
Present Fantasies as Options
Relationship experts recommend this approach: you show what's on the menu. Your partner chooses what they want to try.
Say explicitly: "Just because I'm sharing this doesn't mean I expect us to do it. I wanted you to know what interests me."
Don't Name Specific People
If your fantasy includes someone you both know, describe that person's qualities instead (confident, authoritative, gentle), not the person themselves.
Exploring Sexual Fantasies Safely
If you decide to explore a fantasy together, there are some ground rules.
Consent is non-negotiable. Both partners must actively and freely agree. Silence isn't consent. Consent can be withdrawn at any time, without explanation.
Establish safe words. Experts recommend the traffic light system: green means continue, yellow means slow down or less intense, red means stop immediately.
Also agree on what happens if someone uses the safe word: how will you care for each other? What aftercare is needed?
Distinguish between hard and soft limits. Hard limits are non-negotiable, absolute no-gos. Soft limits are things you're uncertain about or might try under specific conditions.
Start slow. Build on what you already do rather than introducing completely new bedroom fantasies all at once. If you're interested in bondage, for example, start with lightly holding wrists, not complex rope systems.
Plan aftercare. After intense experiences (especially BDSM or emotionally charged scenarios), both partners need time to come down. Cuddling, a glass of water, talking about the experience. Discuss beforehand what each of you needs afterward.
Common Mistakes When Sharing Sexual Fantasies
Sharing too much too fast. After years of silence, it can be tempting to let everything out. This overwhelms your partner. Share gradually.
Assuming communication is easier during sex. The opposite is true. When aroused, it's harder to think clearly and set boundaries.
Skipping safe words because "we know each other." Even after years together, unexpected reactions can occur. Safe words create safety for both.
Ignoring existing power imbalances. If one of you earns significantly more, has primary childcare responsibility, or is financially dependent, this can complicate dominance/submission play. Dominance in bed can suddenly feel like an extension of real-world power structures. Make sure the partner with less everyday power genuinely feels free to say no.
No aftercare. Especially after intense experiences, the nervous system needs time to regulate. Just getting up and resuming daily life can feel wrong for both.
When Professional Help Makes Sense
Sometimes self-help isn't enough. Seek professional support if:
- Fantasies cause significant distress or shame
- You have a trauma history and want to explore power-dynamic fantasies
- Conversations about fantasies regularly lead to conflicts
- You're unsure whether your fantasies are "normal" and anxiety is affecting your wellbeing
- Exploring fantasies triggered unexpected emotional reactions
If you're looking specifically for kink-affirming therapists (those who don't pathologize BDSM and alternative sexuality), ask explicitly during your first contact.
The Key Takeaway
If you take one thing from this article: your fantasies are normal.
They serve various psychological purposes, from arousal to stress relief to exploring taboos.
Having a fantasy doesn't mean you must or want to act on it. The gap between fantasy and desire for action is large and healthy.
Fantasizing about others while in a relationship is also normal. It doesn't harm the relationship. But fantasizing about your partner can actively improve it.
If you want to share fantasies, proceed gradually. Choose the right moment. Present options, not demands. And if you explore fantasies together, establish clear rules, safe words, and aftercare.
Your fantasies don't make you a bad person. They make you a person.
Frequently Asked Questions
Sources
- Kinsey Institute: Justin Lehmiller Science of Fantasy
- Psychology Today: Why Do People Have Sexual Fantasies
- Healthline: Sexual Fantasies
- Spektrum der Wissenschaft: Forscher definieren normale Sexfantasien
- Psychology Today: What Sexual Fantasies Can Do for a Relationship
- Superdrug Online Doctor: Fantasising About Others
Last Updated: 2026-01-16
