At a Glance
- Category
- Lifestyle
- Also Known As
- Don't Ask Don't Tell polyamory, DADT open relationship, privacy-based non-monogamy
- Intensity Range
-
Variable (depends on boundaries set)
- Requires
- Strong trust; Clear boundaries; Emotional self-awareness; Honest self-assessment
- Good For
- Couples who value privacy Those uncomfortable with details Partners with different processing styles
What is DADT (Don't Ask, Don't Tell)?
DADT polyamory is a specific approach to ethical non-monogamy where partners agree that one or both can have outside relationships, but choose not to share details about those encounters. The name borrows from the former US military policy, though in this context it describes a relationship agreement rather than enforced silence. Both partners know the arrangement exists. They've consented to it. They simply prefer not to discuss the specifics.
Think of it as an open relationship with a built-in privacy clause. One partner might go on a date every Thursday evening. The other knows it's happening. They don't ask who with, where they went, or what they did. This differs from cheating because there's no deception. Both people understand and accept that outside connections occur. They've agreed that knowing less serves their relationship better than knowing more.
DADT arrangements exist on a spectrum. Some couples share almost nothing beyond acknowledging that other relationships exist. Others discuss safety-related information like STI testing schedules while keeping emotional and romantic details private. Some establish boundaries about what must be disclosed, such as if feelings become serious, while maintaining privacy about casual encounters. The specific configuration depends entirely on what works for the couple involved.
The Intensity Spectrum
This practice can be experienced at different intensity levels.
Partners acknowledge that outside connections exist but share virtually nothing else. Not when, not who, not where. This level requires significant trust and independent emotional regulation. It works for couples who genuinely don't want or need information to feel secure.
Partners share health-relevant information. STI test schedules, condom usage, any potential exposure concerns. Everything else remains private. This balances physical safety with emotional privacy. Many DADT couples land here.
Partners maintain privacy about casual encounters but agree to disclose when feelings become significant or when relationships might affect the primary partnership. A one-time hookup stays private. An emerging emotional connection gets discussed. This protects against situations where DADT becomes a vehicle for emotional affairs.
Partners know when the other is unavailable but not why or with whom. "I'll be out Thursday evening" requires no further explanation. This level works well for couples with shared responsibilities like children where scheduling matters but details don't.
Some couples start with open communication about new connections, then transition to DADT once everyone feels comfortable. You might discuss someone initially, establish that they're safe and respectful, then stop receiving updates. This hybrid approach combines early vetting with later privacy.
Getting Started
Examine your actual motivations
Be brutally honest. Are you drawn to DADT because it genuinely fits your processing style? Or because you want permission to see others while avoiding uncomfortable conversations? The first reason leads to sustainable agreements. The second leads to resentment and eventual implosion. I've seen both play out, and the difference matters.
Have the initial conversation thoroughly
Before any outside connections begin, discuss boundaries exhaustively. What must be shared versus what should remain private? How will you handle scheduling? What about safe sex practices? Are certain people or situations off-limits? DADT doesn't mean no communication. It means strategic communication. Get the framework right before testing it with real situations.
Consider the secondary partner perspective
In DADT arrangements, people outside your relationship often become "don't ask, don't tell" subjects. They might have feelings, expectations, needs. How will you handle that? Some outside partners accept limited roles. Others find it dehumanizing. Think through this before involving other humans in your arrangement.
Start with a trial period
Agree to try DADT for a defined period, maybe three or six months. Then check in. How does it actually feel versus how you expected it to feel? Some couples discover they want more information than anticipated. Others find they want even less. Built-in review points allow course correction.
Establish non-negotiable disclosures
Decide upfront what always gets shared regardless of general DADT principles. Most couples include STI-relevant information. Some include if feelings become serious. Others require disclosure before any overnight stays. These exceptions provide safety guardrails around otherwise private activities.
Frequently Asked Questions
Ethics in ethical non-monogamy come from informed consent, not from information quantity. If both partners knowingly agree to an arrangement where details stay private, and both genuinely prefer it that way, DADT is as ethical as any other consensual relationship structure. Problems arise when DADT becomes a way to hide things one partner would want to know, or when secondary partners aren't told about the arrangement's limitations.
Cheating involves deception and violated agreements. DADT involves transparent agreement to not share certain information. A cheater hides activities their partner would object to knowing about. A DADT practitioner doesn't share details their partner has explicitly said they don't want. The difference is whether both people knowingly consented to the information structure.
Consider your actual reactions to information about partners, not your theoretical reactions. If hearing about your partner's date would genuinely cause you distress without providing any benefit, DADT might fit. If you say you don't want to know but then feel anxious not knowing, you might actually need more information than you're admitting. Self-honesty matters more than what sounds sophisticated.
Built-in review periods help here. Some couples discover their needs shift over time. Maybe you started wanting DADT and now want more transparency. That's a legitimate evolution that deserves honest conversation. Sustainable relationships adapt. Just don't expect that conversation to include retroactive disclosure of things that happened under DADT terms.
For some couples, yes. They genuinely prefer the arrangement indefinitely and it serves their relationship well. For others, DADT works as a transitional phase while building comfort with non-monogamy. And for some, it eventually reveals itself as avoidance that needs addressing. There's no universal trajectory. What matters is regular honest assessment of whether it's still working.
