At a Glance
- Category
- Lifestyle
- Also Known As
- Mostly monogamous, monogamy-ish, flexible monogamy, semi-monogamy
- Intensity Range
-
Light to Moderate (occasional outside contact by mutual agreement)
- Requires
- Strong communication, trust, clear agreements, emotional security
- Good For
- Established couples who value their primary bond but want occasional flexibility
What is Monogamish?
Here's the thing: monogamish is what you call it when you're mostly faithful, but you've both agreed the rules don't have to be absolute. Sex columnist Dan Savage coined the term around 2010 to describe his own marriage. His exact words? "Monogamous with a little squish around the edges." And honestly, he nailed it.
The key word here is occasional. Monogamish couples don't maintain ongoing outside relationships. They might have a hall pass during business trips, enjoy a threesome together once a year, or have other specific arrangements that work for them. Between those rare exceptions, they function like any other committed couple.
This sits between strict monogamy and fully open relationships within the spectrum of ethical non-monogamy. Unlike open relationships, which allow ongoing outside partners, monogamish arrangements maintain clear primary relationship focus with infrequent exceptions. The primary partnership remains the emotional and romantic center. Outside encounters happen rarely and follow pre-negotiated rules. For many couples, it's a release valve that actually strengthens the main relationship by removing the pressure of total exclusivity while keeping the foundation intact.
The Intensity Spectrum
This practice can be experienced at different intensity levels.
One or both partners can act on opportunities when traveling alone. What happens on business trips stays there. Everything else remains exclusive.
Outside experiences only happen with both partners present. Threesomes, soft swap at parties, or other shared adventures. Solo encounters are off the table.
Specific events trigger permission. An anniversary trip, a birthday gift, attending a swinger event together once a year.
Partners have agreed-upon freedom but don't discuss details. They trust each other to follow the rules without needing a full report afterward.
Every couple builds their own framework. No colleagues. No repeat encounters. Only when the other partner explicitly approves each situation. The combinations are endless.
Frequently Asked Questions
No. Cheating involves deception and broken agreements. Monogamish is built on explicit consent, negotiated rules, and ongoing communication. Both partners know exactly what's happening and have agreed to it. The transparency is what makes it fundamentally different from infidelity.
Frequency and focus. Open relationships typically allow ongoing outside connections. Monogamish couples have rare exceptions to an otherwise exclusive bond. The primary relationship faces less competition for time and energy because outside encounters are infrequent.
You can't negotiate someone into genuine comfort with this. Pressuring a reluctant partner creates resentment and usually ends badly. If you're not genuinely aligned, it's better to accept monogamy or examine whether the relationship meets both partners' needs.
For some couples, absolutely. Dan Savage and his husband have maintained their monogamish arrangement for over two decades. Success depends on honest communication, genuine mutual desire for the arrangement, and willingness to adjust as circumstances change.
Common rules include: no one from your social circle, no repeat encounters with the same person, full disclosure afterward, always use protection, and veto power for either partner. But there's no standard. Every couple builds the framework that works for them.
