Your partner is sitting in a bar right now with someone else. Probably laughing. Maybe flirting. And you? You're staring at your phone, waiting for a message that isn't coming.
Welcome to the world of fear of loss in open relationships.
I've talked to dozens of people going through exactly this. The irony: Many of them wanted the open relationship in the first place. Theoretically, it all made sense. In practice, it feels like a constant battle against your own thoughts.
Good news? You're not broken. And you don't have to give up on non-monogamy just because the fear sometimes overwhelms you. There's a way to overcome this fear of loss, and that's what this is about.
What Fear of Loss Actually Is (And Isn't)
Fear of loss is more than "being a bit jealous." It's that deep, physical reaction when you think you might lose someone you love. Racing heart. Thought spirals. Sometimes actual panic attacks. Jealousy in open relationships often stems from this deeper abandonment fear, though they're not quite the same thing.
About 5% of adults experience clinical separation anxiety at some point in their lives, according to psychological research. But the real number is higher because many people don't recognize their symptoms for what they are.
Psychology calls this "anxious attachment behavior," also known as abandonment fear. German couples therapist Eric Hegmann describes it like this: "Fear of loss represents anxious attachment behavior. Love needs two things: courage and trust. These two are also the antidotes to fear of loss." Research from UC Davis shows that the attachment behavioral system is highly activated during separations and losses in couple relationships.
The problem: In monogamous relationships, you can often hide or control the fear. You know where your partner is. In open relationships, that safety structure falls away. The fear suddenly has very concrete triggers.
Why Open Relationships Can Trigger Fear of Loss
Let me be direct: Open relationships aren't a cure for relationship problems. If you're already struggling with fear of loss, an open relationship will amplify that fear at first, not reduce it.
Why? Because traditional relationship structures function like safety nets. You're the only partner. There are clear boundaries. These boundaries provide orientation.
In open relationships, many of these securities disappear:
Your partner spends time with other people. Real, intimate time. They might develop feelings for someone else. That's not forbidden, it's part of the model. And you have to deal with it while all your childhood wounds and attachment patterns come to the surface.
Polyamory coach Orit Krug puts it this way: "Most forms of consensual non-monogamy remove traditional relationship structures and so often lay bare childhood wounds and attachment issues."
One woman described her experience in an interview: "The jealousy hit me like a sledgehammer after more than a year in an open relationship. But unlike in monogamous relationships, this wasn't the end. No, it was just the beginning. The sledgehammer tore down walls and exposed emotional spaces."
That sounds dramatic. It is. But that's also where the opportunity lies.
The Surprising Counter-Perspective: How Open Relationships Can Heal
Here's the part most articles on this topic leave out.
Research by Rubel & Bogaert (2015) shows that people in polyamorous relationships have comparable or even higher rates of secure attachment than people in monogamous relationships. A recent 2023 study confirms these findings, showing negative correlations between positive attitudes toward polyamory and anxious attachment dimensions. Despite common polyamory anxiety concerns, the model doesn't automatically lead to more insecurity.
How is that possible?
Open relationships force you to communicate. You can't sweep problems under the rug. You have to talk, or it doesn't work. This forced honesty builds trust over time.
Then there are the multiple sources of emotional support. When one partner isn't available, you're not completely alone. Paradoxically, this can mean less pressure on each individual relationship.
And finally, you develop what Jessica Fern calls "earned security" in her book "Polysecure". The psychotherapist and Certified Clinical Trauma Professional extends attachment theory into the realm of consensual nonmonogamy in her groundbreaking work. Instead of getting security through exclusivity, you learn to find security within yourself. That's more sustainable.
A 2017 study found: No difference in love, commitment, and satisfaction between monogamous and non-monogamous couples. People in open relationships actually reported more trust and less jealousy.
Sounds counterintuitive, right? But it's explainable. Those who do the emotional work in an open relationship come out stronger.
How to Recognize That Fear of Loss Is Affecting Your Open Relationship
Not every negative emotion is fear of loss. Sometimes you're just tired. Sometimes your partner actually did something that wasn't okay. It's important to distinguish.
Fear of loss in open relationships often shows up like this:
You constantly check your phone when your partner is out. Not once, but every few minutes. You analyze every message for hidden meanings.
You obsessively compare yourself to the other partners. Are they more attractive? Funnier? Better in bed? These thoughts run on a constant loop.
You need constant reassurance. "Do you still love me?" becomes a daily question. And even when the answer is yes, you don't really believe it.
You develop physical symptoms when your partner is with someone else. Nausea, racing heart, sleep problems. That's your body reacting to perceived threat.
You unconsciously sabotage the relationship. Starting fights before your partner goes on a date. Issuing ultimatums. Withdrawing to "not get hurt."
The difference from healthy concern? Healthy concern comes and goes. Fear of loss stays. It's there even when there's no concrete reason. It colors everything.
7 Strategies That Actually Work
Here's the practical part. Not "just think positive," but concrete approaches that have actually helped people in open relationships.
1. Build a Culture of Total Honesty
This sounds basic, but it's the most important point.
Fear of loss thrives in uncertainty. The less you know, the more your brain fills the gaps with worst-case scenarios.
The solution: Agree from the start that you share everything. Not because you want to control, but because transparency builds trust. Research shows that open and honest communication is the cornerstone of successful ethically non-monogamous relationships.
This means: Your partner tells you when they develop feelings for someone else. Not after it's already happened. You share when you're struggling. Not after it escalates.
A polyamory counselor describes it this way: "The best prevention is a broad culture of honesty from the beginning. That creates security that you'll immediately know when unusual feelings arise."
2. Learn the HEARTS Method
Jessica Fern developed a framework in "Polysecure" that works specifically for non-monogamous relationships. HEARTS stands for:
Here: Be present when you're together. Not half at work, not half on your phone. Full attention.
Expressed Delight: Actively show that you're happy about your partner. Not just "I love you," but specifically: "I've been looking forward to this moment all day."
Attunement: Pay attention to your partner's emotional signals. When something's off, ask about it.
Rituals: Create fixed anchor points. Sunday morning belongs to just you two. Ten minutes of talking every evening, no matter what happened.
Turning Towards: When your partner needs you, be there. Even when it's inconvenient. Even when you don't feel like it.
These five elements build security that doesn't depend on exclusivity.
3. Develop Self-Soothing Strategies
You will have moments when your partner is with someone else and the fear rises. That's normal. The question is what you do then.
Here are strategies that work:
Breathe. Sounds dumb, but it helps. 4 seconds in, 7 seconds hold, 8 seconds out. This activates your parasympathetic nervous system and lowers the anxiety level.
Distract yourself, but consciously. Not scrolling through social media, that makes it worse. Meet friends. Go exercise. Do something that requires your full concentration.
Write your thoughts down. Not to analyze them, but to get them out of your head. Paper doesn't judge.
Remember past successes. Your partner has been with someone else before. And came back. And still loves you.
4. Communicate Your Fears Constructively
There's a difference between "I'm afraid you'll leave me" and "If you go to her again, we're done."
The first is vulnerable and inviting. The second is an ultimatum.
Fear-of-loss communication that works follows this pattern:
"I feel..." (name your emotion)
"When..." (the specific trigger)
"I would need..." (what would help)
Example: "I feel insecure when you're with Anna. I know this is my issue, not yours. What would help me is a quick message in between, that you're thinking of me."
That's not control. That's expressing a need. Your partner can then decide whether they want to meet it.
5. Work on Your Attachment Wounds
Fear of loss rarely comes from nowhere. Usually it has roots in earlier experiences. A parent who was emotionally unavailable. A past relationship where you were cheated on. Psychological research shows that abandonment fears are commonly associated with attachment insecurities and significant emotional wounding. Experiences that taught you: People leave.
You can do this work alone, with books and reflection. But honestly? Therapy helps faster.
Important: Find someone with experience in non-monogamous relationships. Not all therapists understand the model. Some will try to steer you back to monogamy instead of helping you with the fear.
The Expert Network Polyamory (ENP) in Germany offers resources and connects people with therapists who specialize in this.
6. Create Rituals and Safety Anchors
Rituals provide structure in a relationship model that has less structure than the norm.
These can be small things:
Five minutes of cuddling every morning, no matter what the day brings. A weekly "state of the union" conversation where you check in on how you're doing. Fixed days that belong only to you two.
Or bigger things:
Joint vacations that aren't negotiable. Anniversaries you celebrate. Symbols of your connection that only you understand.
These anchors remind you: The relationship is stable. Even when a lot is moving around it.
7. Get Support from the Community
You're not the first person going through this. There's a whole community of people in open relationships who know exactly what fear of loss feels like.
Online forums offer exchange opportunities. Local meetups exist in many larger cities. Books like "Polysecure" or "The Ethical Slut" provide framework and language for what you're experiencing.
Sometimes it just helps to know: Others feel the same way. And they made it through.
Real Stories: How Others Made It
Emma's Story:
Emma always thought she was emotionally stable. When her partner Alex started dating another woman, everything fell apart. "I suddenly wondered: Is she prettier? More interesting? What does she have that I don't?"
Instead of swallowing the feelings, Emma talked to Alex. Not as an accusation, but as a request for understanding. "I told him this is my issue, not his. But that I need support."
They agreed: One short message per evening when Alex was with his other partner. Not for control, but as a sign. "That changed everything. The message would come, and suddenly I could relax."
Marco's Path:
Marco wanted to give his girlfriend all freedoms. Theoretically. In practice, "the jealousy almost killed me."
His approach was radical: He asked his girlfriend to tell him about her experiences. Not the intimate details, but how she felt. What was going on for her.
"At first it hurt like hell. But over time I realized: She doesn't love me less just because she also likes someone else. Those are two different things."
Marco needed a year to get to that point. "But I'd do it again. I'm emotionally stronger today than before."
When Professional Help Makes Sense
Not all fear of loss can be solved with self-help. Sometimes you need professional support.
Signs that it's time for therapy:
The fear impairs your daily life. You can't work when your partner is with someone else. You're not sleeping properly anymore.
You develop controlling behavior. GPS tracking, constant questioning, searching through messages. That's not dealing with fear, that's overcompensation.
The relationship is suffering massively. You're only fighting anymore. Your partner is withdrawing. The situation is getting worse, not better.
You've had similar patterns before. If fear of loss shows up in every relationship, that's a hint at deeper issues.
Find someone who:
- Has experience with non-monogamous relationships
- Doesn't question your relationship model
- Brings concrete tools, not just "talking about it"
The Expert Network Polyamory (ENP) in Germany connects people with specialized therapists. Online counseling is also available for those who can't find a local contact.
The Path from Fear to Trust
Fear of loss in open relationships is real. It's exhausting. And it's overcomable.
The path doesn't lead around it, but through it. You have to feel the fear, understand where it comes from, and actively work on it. That's not weakness. That's emotional maturity.
People who've made it through often describe a paradoxical effect: In the end, they feel more secure than before. Not despite the open relationship, but because of the work they put in.
One more thing: You don't have to go through this alone. Talk to your partner. Talk to friends who understand. Get professional help if you need it.
The fear won't kill you. But you shouldn't ignore it either.
Sources
This article is based on current scientific research and expert opinions:
- Shaver, P. R., & Mikulincer, M. (2006). "Attachment theory, individual psychodynamics, and relationship functioning" - UC Davis research on attachment theory and relationship functioning
- Attachment Style, Emotion Dysregulation and Sexual Satisfaction Among Polyamorous and Non-polyamorous Individuals - Recent study (2023) on attachment styles in polyamorous relationships, Sexuality & Culture Journal
- Rubel, A. N., & Bogaert, A. F. (2015). "Consensual nonmonogamy: Psychological well-being and relationship quality correlates" - Journal of Sexual Medicine - Research on attachment security in non-monogamous relationships
- Silove, D., et al. (2016). "Adult separation anxiety disorder among war-affected Bosnian refugees" - Clinical research on separation anxiety in adults
- Fern, J. "Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy" - Groundbreaking work on attachment theory in non-monogamous relationships
- Psychology Today: "5 Unexpected Ways Abandonment Fears Affect Relationships" - Expert article on abandonment fears in relationships
- Sweet Love Counseling: "Navigating Jealousy in Open Relationships" - Practice-based strategies for jealousy management
- Expert Network Polyamory (ENP) Germany - Resources and therapist referrals for non-monogamous relationships
