My friend Lisa told me about it recently. She and her partner Max had spent months trying to find a third for a threesome. Specifically: a third person willing to sleep with both of them. The matches on Feeld? Ghosted after two messages. The responses to their posts? Disappointing. At some point Lisa asked herself: "What are we doing wrong when we try to find a third for a threesome?"
The answer was uncomfortable. Without meaning to, the two of them had been doing classic unicorn hunting. And that's exactly why I'm writing this guide.
According to academic research, about 30% of adults have experienced a threesome at least once. The experiences are mostly positive. But only when the path there is right.
Here you'll learn how to respectfully find a third for a threesome as a couple. Without the typical mistakes. Without hurting anyone. With real chances of a great experience for everyone involved.
What Is Unicorn Hunting and Why Does It Harm Everyone?
The term comes from the polyamory scene. When couples try to find a third for a threesome, they often unconsciously do something problematic: they seek a third person in unethical, objectifying ways.
Why "unicorn"? Because the sought-after person (usually a bisexual woman) is supposed to be as rare and magical as a unicorn. She's meant to find both partners equally attractive, have no needs of her own, and simply disappear after sex.
Sounds absurd when you write it out like that, right? Yet many couples do exactly this when they want to find a third for a threesome.
The Typical Patterns of Unicorn Hunting
Research shows that unicorn hunting doesn't work because the third person is "discarded the moment they don't live up to the couple's expectations."
These are the red flags:
You create a profile with only one photo (usually the woman). The man appears later. Surprise!
You set all the rules beforehand. The third person can only participate, not decide.
You treat the third person as an add-on. Not as a human with their own desires.
You expect someone to like both of you equally. Instantly and unconditionally.
I get it. You want to protect your relationship. But exactly these protective walls prevent real connections and make it harder to find a third for a threesome.
Why This Particularly Harms Bisexual Women
Bisexual women are systematically perceived as "sexually available" and fetishized. The assumption: Bi automatically means open to everything, anytime, with any couple trying to find a third for a threesome.
The reality: Bisexual people have individual preferences just like everyone else. And they're tired of being treated as fantasy fulfillment tools.
When you search respectfully, it ironically increases your chances. Because the people you're looking for have learned to spot unicorn hunters at first glance. And avoid them.
Understanding the Six Relationships in a Threesome
This is where it gets interesting. Jesse Dagger, a former "unicorn", explains: "Unicorn hunters tend to look at the third partner as an addition to their relationship, instead of realizing that you're creating a brand new relationship with three people."
Think about it. With three people, six different connections emerge:
Person A with Person B (that's you as a couple)
Person A with Person C (one connection)
Person B with Person C (another connection)
A, B, and C together as a group
Plus the self-relationships of each person
Sounds complicated? It is. But when you understand this, your perspective shifts completely when you try to find a third for a threesome.
The third person isn't an add-on. They bring new dynamics. Maybe Person C connects great with your partner but just okay with you. That's normal. That's human.
Preparation as a Couple: The Honest Conversations
Couples therapist Patrick Hess emphasizes that "inviting a third party without addressing foundational concepts can amplify underlying issues."
Plain talk: A threesome doesn't save a relationship. It tests it.
Before you try to find a third for a threesome, you need to clarify a few things as a couple. I recommend at least three separate conversations.
Conversation 1: Motivation and Expectations
Why do you actually want this? Are there differences in your motivation?
Often one person wants it more than the other. That's okay, as long as you're honest. What's not okay is if someone is doing the other a favor while crossing their own boundaries.
Ask yourselves these questions:
Whose idea was this originally?
How do I really feel about it?
What hopes do I have? What fears?
What happens if it doesn't go as planned?
Conversation 2: Boundaries and Comfort Zones
What's okay, what isn't? And I mean specifically.
Kissing? Oral sex? Penetrative sex? Only as three or also as two with the third person? Overnight or not?
German swinger culture is based on "respect, equality, and consent" with clear etiquette guidelines. They distinguish between soft swap (only kissing and touching with others) and full swap (everything included).
You don't have to decide everything beforehand. But you should know roughly where your boundaries lie. And: These boundaries can change. In both directions.
Conversation 3: Preparing for Jealousy
A study from the University of Minnesota-Duluth shows that over 80% of participants experienced NO jealousy during their most recent threesome when proper communication protocols were established.
80 percent! That's an incredibly good rate.
The key: Not avoiding jealousy, but preparing for it.
What do you do when you feel jealousy? Do you stop everything? Step back briefly? Address it immediately?
Plan this through. Agree on a code word for "I need a break right now." That way, no one feels guilty when emotions come up.
Where and How to Respectfully Find a Third for a Threesome in 2026
Now for the practical part. Where do you actually find someone when you want to find a third for a threesome?
Dating Apps: How to Find a Third for a Threesome Properly
Feeld data from 2025 shows that "heteroflexible" grew by 193%, the fastest-growing sexual orientation on the platform. Also, transparent couple profiles on platforms like SparkChambers make it easier to be honest from the start and find potential partners interested in couples.
This means: There are people looking for exactly what you offer. But they want to be respected.
Here's how to do it right when you want to find a third for a threesome online:
Create a couple profile. Both of you are visible, from the start. No bait-and-switch.
Write clearly what you're looking for. "We're curious about a threesome and looking for someone who feels comfortable and wants to contribute their own wishes."
Show interest in the person, not just the sex. Ask about hobbies, life, preferences.
First suggest meeting at a bar. No direct jump to bed. When choosing someone, it also helps to look for verified profiles – that shows the person presents with their real identity and is serious about it.
The Community Route
Swinger clubs often have special couples' nights. The atmosphere is designed for mutual respect.
Advantage: Everyone there is open to the topic. You don't have to "convince" anyone.
Disadvantage: It can feel less personal.
Polyamorous meetups and gatherings exist in every major city. There you'll find people with experience who know what matters when you want to find a third for a threesome.
Acquaintances vs. Strangers
Sex educators often recommend: Look for someone you slightly know but not too well. Acquaintances from your extended social circle. People you've met at events.
Why not best friends? Because it can strain the friendship if things go wrong.
Why not complete strangers? Because a bit of trust helps.
The sweet spot is somewhere in between, whether you're trying to find a third for a threesome or exploring other relationship forms.
Communication with the Third Person: This Is How Respect Works
You've found someone who's interested. What now?
The First Conversation
Ask questions. Many questions. Listen.
What is the person looking for? Just this once or more regular contact? Do they have experience? What has worked in the past, what hasn't?
Here's the most important point: The third person must have as much say as both of you.
When you say "We've already decided we don't want overnight stays," also ask: "How is that for you? What do you need?"
Maybe the person says: "Without overnight stays, I feel like an object." Then you either need to reconsider your position or accept that you're not compatible.
Converting Rules to Agreements
Rules are one-sided. Someone decides, someone follows.
Agreements are mutual. Everyone decides together, everyone follows.
Instead of: "We don't want contact between meetings."
Better: "How much contact between meetings feels good for everyone? Let's figure that out together."
This isn't being soft. This is being adults.
Clarifying Logistics
Where do you meet? At your place? In a hotel? At the third person's place?
All options have pros and cons. Regardless of the location, you should together discuss safe meeting places and precautions – so everyone feels protected.
At home: Familiar for you, but the third person is on your territory.
Hotel: Neutral but impersonal.
At the third person's: They feel safe, but you're on unfamiliar ground.
My tip: Ask the third person where they feel most comfortable. Show them that their needs matter.
The Threesome Itself: A Few Practical Notes
I don't want to write a positions guide here. There's plenty of that on the internet. But a few things are important to me:
Check in multiple times. "Is this okay for you?" isn't a mood killer. It shows respect.
Not everything has to happen simultaneously. It's completely normal for two people to be active while one watches. Or rests. Or gets a glass of water.
Breaks are allowed. Laughing is allowed. Silliness is allowed. Sex doesn't always have to be super serious.
When someone says stop, it's stop. No discussion, no persuasion, no guilt.
Aftercare: The Part Most People Forget
A study shows that couples who established firm aftercare rituals, like cuddling together and affirmation after the threesome, experienced significantly less jealousy.
Aftercare isn't optional. It determines whether the experience stays positive in memory.
Immediate Aftercare
Have water ready. Offer the bathroom. No one should have to rush.
The third person should be able to decide whether they stay or leave. No "thanks, you can go now" immediately after sex.
Offer physical closeness. Some want to cuddle, some need space. Both are okay.
The Days After
Message the third person. Not immediately the next morning, but within a day or two.
Something simple: "Hey, I/we wanted to say again that the time with you was great. How are you?"
This shows: The person was more than a one-night stand. They were a human whose wellbeing interests you.
Processing as a Couple
Plan a conversation just the two of you 24 to 48 hours after the threesome.
How was it for you? What did you love? What would you do differently?
Difficult feelings can surface here too. Maybe you felt jealous when your partner kissed the third person. That's normal. Talk about it.
Avoiding the Most Common Mistakes When You Find a Third for a Threesome
I've hinted at this already, but here's a summary. These things you shouldn't do:
Hiding that you're a couple. Always be transparent from the start.
Making all decisions beforehand and expecting the third person to comply.
Seeing the third person as an object. They're a human with their own story.
Disappearing after sex or kicking the person out.
Expecting it to be perfect the first time. It's new for everyone. Awkwardness is normal.
Talking about the third person instead of with them. Agree on communication rules that include everyone.
What If Jealousy Does Come Up?
It happens. It's human. Here's what helps:
First, breathe. Jealousy feels dramatic, but it passes.
Identify what exactly triggered it. Was it a specific moment? A gesture? A look?
Talk to your partner. Not accusingly, but descriptively. "When you did XY, I felt left out."
Affirm the relationship. Sometimes you just need to hear: "You're important to me. This doesn't change anything about that."
If it becomes too overwhelming: It's always okay to stop. Better to be too careful once than not careful enough.
Frequently Asked Questions
The Respectful Path Is Also More Successful When You Find a Third for a Threesome
What do Lisa and Max do differently today? They rewrote their profile. Both visible, honest about their situation. They ask questions before making demands. They see potential third persons as humans, not as means to an end.
The result? After two months, they met someone who was a good fit. The threesome was good. Not perfect, but real.
Today you can search SparkChambers for like-minded people who want to explore alternative relationship forms respectfully. With the right approach, finding a third for a threesome becomes a positive experience for everyone involved.
And that's what it's about, isn't it? Not the perfect fantasy. But real connections between real people. With everything that comes with it.
Good luck on your journey.
