How to message on dating apps for casual dating isn't like Hinge or Bumble. Forget the generic advice telling you to "be respectful" and "avoid anything suggestive." That's written for people looking for life partners, not for you.
On platforms for open relationships, swingers, and casual dating, different rules apply. Everyone here knows what they're looking for. The question is: How do you message someone without coming across as either boring or crude? Here are 4 essential casual dating tips that actually work.
Why Mainstream Dating Advice Falls Flat on Casual Platforms
"Be polite," "Ask open-ended questions," "Reference something from their profile" - none of this is wrong. But it's also not particularly helpful when half the people on the platform are doing exactly that.
Here's the thing: On casual dating platforms, a generic "Hey, how's it going?" won't get you anywhere. According to research by Dr. Liesel Sharabi, approximately 71% of men's initial messages and 56% of women's go unanswered in online dating. People here usually have clear ideas about what they want. And they want to know if you fit the picture without exchanging ten messages first.
What works instead? Authenticity. Directness. And yes, a bit of courage.
4 Principles for the Perfect First Message in Online Dating
1. Actually Read the Profile
Sounds obvious. But it clearly isn't, judging by how many messages start with "Hey gorgeous" or "You two DTF?" when the profile explicitly states what the person wants and doesn't want.
If someone writes they only meet couples and you're messaging as a single, you've wasted your time. If someone mentions specific interests you share, say so. It shows you were paying attention.
Example:
"I saw you're into roleplay. That's something we enjoy too. Do you have any favorite scenarios you keep coming back to?"
2. Say What You're Looking For
On vanilla dating apps, talking about sex in the first message would be weird. On casual platforms, it's weird not to - at least indirectly.
You don't have to be graphic. But a bit of clarity about what you're looking for saves everyone time. People on these platforms appreciate directness, as long as it's respectful.
Example:
"We're a couple from Chicago looking for relaxed meetups with other couples - ideally starting with drinks to see if there's chemistry. Sound like something you'd be into?"
3. Show Personality, Not Just Interest
"You're hot" isn't a message. It's a rating. And most people on dating platforms get plenty of those already.
What makes you different? What makes you interesting? Maybe you're funny. Maybe you have an unusual perspective. Maybe you're just real and not like the hundred other messages in their inbox.
Example:
"Your profile made me laugh. Who writes 'We enjoy long walks on the beach - as long as they end at the hotel room'? Us, apparently. Want to chat sometime?"
4. Make It Easy to Respond
A good dating app opener ends with something they can actually reply to. Not a rhetorical question. Not self-congratulation. A genuine invitation to talk.
Weak: "Hey, cool profile!" (And now what?)
Better: "You seem to be into Shibari too. Are you more on the giving or receiving end?"
How to Message Couples: What's Different
The right way to message couples requires a different approach. You're not talking to one person, you're addressing two people who make decisions together.
What works:
- Address both of them, not just one ("You two" instead of "You")
- Be clear whether you're writing as a single or a couple
- Ask about shared interests, not individual ones
What doesn't work:
- Only speaking to the more attractive half
- Assuming one person is "just along for the ride"
- Messages that are obviously copy-pasted
Example for a couple messaging another couple:
"Hey you two! We're also in the Bay Area and came across your profile. You seem relaxed and uncomplicated - exactly what we're looking for. Would you be up for grabbing a drink sometime? We'd love to chat first and see if we click."
How to Mention Kinks and Preferences (Without Being Awkward)
This is where a lot of people struggle. Whether you're sending a swinger first message or reaching out to someone in an open relationship, you want to show you're compatible without coming across like a walking fetish catalog.
The trick: Mention preferences in context, not as a list.
Awkward:
"I'm into bondage, roleplay, and light BDSM."
Better:
"I noticed you're also into rope play. Same here - I find it fascinating when trust and surrender come together."
You're saying the same thing, but it sounds human instead of like a checklist.
Even better - with a question:
"You mention you like trying new things. What's currently on your list?"
This opens the conversation without requiring you to lay everything out at once.
What You Should Never Write
Even on casual platforms, there are limits. Here are some classics that almost never work:
- Just one word: "Hey", "Hi", "Sup?" - That's not a conversation, that's boredom.
- Immediate nude pic requests: Even when everyone knows what this is about, it's usually too soon.
- Negging as a strategy: "You don't seem as stuck-up as the others here" isn't charming. It's insulting.
- Automated messages: People notice. Always.
- Being pushy: "You gonna reply?" after two hours? No.
The Truth About Response Rates
Sometimes nobody responds. It's not always about you.
People on casual platforms often have full inboxes. They can afford to be selective. And sometimes it's just not a match, no matter how good your first message in online dating was.
Studies show that women who message first are 2.5 times more likely to receive responses than men - and 30% of women's first messages lead to a date, compared to just 12% for men. These numbers vary by platform, but the underlying principle holds: Not every good message gets a response, and that's completely normal.
What you can control: Writing an authentic, respectful message that shows who you are and what you're looking for. The rest isn't up to you.
Summary: The Formula for Good First Messages
- Read the profile and reference it
- Be clear about what you're looking for
- Show personality, not just interest
- Make it easy to respond
- Mention kinks in context, not as a list
- Respect boundaries, even on open platforms
There's no such thing as a perfect first message. But a real one that shows you're an interesting person with clear intentions? That's one of the best casual dating tips you'll ever get.
Frequently Asked Questions
On SparkChambers, you'll find people who know what they want and communicate openly about it. Give it a try.
