At a Glance
- Category
- Lifestyle Philosophy
- Also Known As
- RA, Non-Hierarchical Relating, Anarchic Relationships
- Good For
- Anyone questioning traditional relationship hierarchies
What is Relationship Anarchy?
Relationship anarchy challenges how we categorize and prioritize our connections with others. Swedish activist Andie Nordgren coined the term in 2006. It applies anarchist principles (autonomy, anti-hierarchy, self-determination) to all kinds of relationships.
Here's what trips most people up: relationship anarchy isn't about having multiple partners.
That's polyamory. And it's not about rejecting monogamy specifically. A relationship anarchist can be monogamous, polyamorous, or anything else. The relationship anarchy meaning centers on how you approach connections, not which ones you have.
The core idea: romantic or sexual connections don't automatically rank above friendships, family bonds, or chosen family. Each relationship gets defined on its own terms by the people in it. No scripts. No default assumptions. No "this is how relationships are supposed to work."
Why People Enjoy It
Freedom from the relationship escalator.
Traditional relationships follow a predictable path—date, become exclusive, move in, get married, have kids. Relationship anarchy lets people step off that escalator. You can design connections that actually fit your lives.
Deeper friendships.
When you stop treating romantic partners as automatically more important than friends, your friendships often become richer. That best friend who's been there for twenty years? In RA, that relationship can hold just as much weight as a romantic one.
Authentic connection.
Without predetermined scripts, every interaction becomes intentional. You don't assume what your relationship "should" include. Instead, you talk about what both people actually want. This approach shares similarities with tantra, where intentional, personalized connection takes priority over performance.
Personal autonomy.
RA centers on the idea that you own yourself. Nobody gets to control another person's choices about who they spend time with, how they express affection, or what commitments they make.
The Intensity Spectrum
This practice can be experienced at different intensity levels.
You start questioning the automatic hierarchy in your life. Maybe your romantic partner doesn't need to be your "number one" person for everything. You begin having conversations about what you actually want from different relationships.
You actively challenge relationship norms. You might not use labels like "best friend" versus "partner" because you recognize these create artificial hierarchies. Each relationship gets defined individually based on what works for everyone involved.
Relationship anarchy becomes your core lens for all connections. You've dismantled the idea that some relationships deserve more by default. Your connections form an interconnected web where each bond has its own unique agreements, boundaries, and expressions. None ranked above others.
You engage with RA communities and participate in discussions about non-hierarchical relating. You might help others explore these concepts. The philosophy extends beyond your personal relationships into how you think about community and connection broadly.
Getting Started
Question your assumptions first.
Before changing anything, examine what you've absorbed about how relationships "should" work. Why do romantic partners get priority? Who decided that? Does that approach actually serve you?
Start with conversations, not announcements.
If you're currently in relationships, don't spring "I'm a relationship anarchist now" on people. Instead, open discussions about how you each envision your connection. What do you both want? What assumptions have you been operating under?
Learn the smorgasbord.
The "relationship smorgasbord" is a tool that lists everything relationships might include: emotional support, living together, physical intimacy, financial entanglement, raising children, and dozens more. Use it to discuss what each person wants from each relationship, rather than assuming one package fits all.
Be patient with yourself and others.
RA challenges deeply ingrained social programming. It takes time to unlearn hierarchical thinking. Some people in your life might struggle to understand. That's okay. You don't need everyone to adopt RA for you to practice it.
Find community.
Relationship anarchy has an active online presence. Reddit's r/relationshipanarchy, various Discord servers, and social media communities offer support and discussion. You don't have to figure this out alone.
Safety & Communication
Consent remains central.
RA isn't a loophole for ignoring other people's needs. Every relationship still requires enthusiastic, ongoing consent. This principle parallels the explicit consent negotiation found in practices like consensual non-consent, where clear communication and boundaries matter most. Rejecting hierarchy doesn't mean rejecting your partners' feelings.
Jealousy doesn't usually disappear.
Practicing RA doesn't make you immune to difficult emotions. The difference is how you handle them. RA encourages examining where jealousy comes from rather than using it to control others.
Be clear about your capacity.
Non-hierarchical doesn't mean unlimited. You still have finite time and energy. Being honest about what you can offer each relationship prevents hurt feelings and broken commitments.
Different relationships, different agreements.
Each connection in your life might have different boundaries, communication styles, and expressions of care. Document these if it helps, especially for things like safe sex practices, financial boundaries, or time commitments.
Professional support can help.
Therapists familiar with alternative relationship structures can provide valuable guidance, especially when navigating the shift from hierarchical to non-hierarchical relating.
Frequently Asked Questions
Yes. This confuses people because they conflate RA with polyamory. Relationship anarchy is about rejecting automatic hierarchy, not about having multiple partners. A relationship anarchist might choose to be romantically and sexually monogamous while still refusing to rank that relationship above deep friendships. The number of romantic partners isn't the point—the philosophical approach is.
Polyamory is a relationship structure—having multiple romantic or sexual relationships with everyone's consent. Relationship anarchy is a philosophy about how you approach all connections. Many polyamorous people still practice hierarchy (primary partner, secondary partners). Relationship anarchists reject that ranking system entirely. You can be polyamorous without being RA, RA without being polyamorous, both, or neither.
You can't force anyone into your philosophical approach. Some couples find middle ground: maybe you practice RA internally while respecting that your partner prefers more traditional structure. Others find the incompatibility too fundamental. There's no universal answer—it depends on what both people can genuinely accept.
No. It means commitments are customized rather than assumed. A relationship anarchist might be deeply committed to multiple people in different ways—perhaps living with one person, co-parenting with another, and maintaining a decades-long intimate friendship with a third. The commitments are intentional rather than following a predetermined script.
Keep it simple: "I don't automatically prioritize romantic relationships over other connections. Each relationship in my life is defined by what works for the people in it, not by a predetermined hierarchy." You don't owe anyone a full philosophy lecture. Share as much or as little as feels appropriate.
